(Waiting for that light to come on)
I really had a long hard think about whether I was going to continue blogging about my personal issues, and I came to the conclusion that it's always good to finish what you start. Unfortunately I thought by this point it would be finished already, but I know by now that it doesn't quite work like that. For those of you that check in semi-regularly you already know my back story, so I won't bore you with details. I'll just say that I started the year medication free, in vain hope that a positive attitude and wishful thinking was enough to get me by.
It did work for a little while and being preoccupied with helping my brother run his cafe, I found out what it was like to actually be busy. But then my mind caught up with me, and I felt the weight of anxiety on my shoulders. I was anxious about my future as a recent graduate (not so recent anymore), and plagued with fear that all that I had pictured for myself, was doomed to never happen. I visualised myself as a thirty-year old straight out my Big Fat Greek Wedding, wearing a frumpy cardigan and serving coffee for the rest of my days. This was a touch dramatic as I'm still 23, but letting a future that hasn't happened run my present, was and is a comforting tactic.
If reading this frustrates you, then imagine how I feel. I sometimes flick through old blog posts and identify a little too much with what I've written, like a constant state of Déjà vu. I'd like to say that I've really tried (and I backspaced the sentence as I wrote it) but truth be told I don't think I've tried hard or long enough. For someone with a problem that takes time to heal, I've convinced myself that an instant fix isn't too far off. What I've learnt is that no amount of clean eating, yoga posing or online splurging can ever fill a void, that can't be filled with the mind first. So where does that leave me? All talk an no action? Something like that. I've been on the medication for a few months now, and funnily enough this post had been waiting in my draft section since that visit to the doctors. But I read back over it and the one thing that I liked, if there was anything to like, was that it was the truth. There was no 'Walden' filter to emphasise my words and bring out the best bits of my life, because that's just a fragment of the truth. Sure I have moments, the ones you see in those filtered photos, but to me they're temporary and if you really want to know, I'd say I'm still not happy.
I wish it were easy enough to pin point it, but I think the notion of happiness has been so manufactured that it's difficult to even know what makes it unique anymore. For the longest time, in fact as we speak, I put all my energy into looking the right way and wearing the right things, but only to be disappointed that I wasn't somehow transformed intrinsically by all of it. I then realised that I was trying to define myself that way, and that maybe it wasn't who I was at all. The only problem is how do you function without the comfort of thinking you know who you are? I don't know, I honestly don't and this was made more clear to me on the weekend when I celebrated my birthday at Splendour in the Grass. I had a great time don't get me wrong, but for the most part I just kept observing people and wondering what was wrong with me. Here I was supposedly at the peak of my youth at one the most anticipated music festivals of the year, and I couldn't allow myself to simply relax and just go with the flow. Instead, and amongst the crowd of beautifully disheveled indie kids, and dread locked vegetarians, I felt awkward, out of place and a familiar sense of not belonging. At one point I ventured out on my own and found myself right in the middle of the mosh pit, listening to Alt-J. Crammed between sweaty thirteen-year-olds, with Joe Newman's sweet voice serenading in the background, I finally started to enjoy myself in the most unlikely of places.
Now as I reflect on that, and one week away from my overseas adventure, I can't help but think it's exactly what I need. I need to be away from my vices, away from my friends, away from my family and away from my troubles. I could be naive in thinking that way, and I know you can never really run from trouble, but for the last two years what I've never done is the one thing I've always said I needed. So I'm not going in anticipation that I'll return a brand new person, I'm going for the pleasure of having an experience, in hope that I can appreciate what it's like to not just have a moment, but many of them. I'll definitely be blogging along the way, as I'll be riding solo, so it will more than make up for my online absence over the past few months. Until then..don't rely on anyone including my blog, for inspiration. You can spend your time observing, reading and taking visual cues, or you can make your own and believe that it's all you need.